Even When I Fail, His Love Never Fails

Desire Turned to Disappointment

I think many little girls’ dream is to grow up, get married, and have a happy family. In fact, when I was a teenager, I would sit in my room and imagine getting married. I even drafted my wedding plans, making up names for my groom and bridal party! After all, my mom met my dad at college, and she used to say that she got her “MRS. degree” instead of a college degree! I imagined that my love story would work out much like hers. I would meet my prince charming at college, and we would marry and live happily ever after.

Well, my story didn’t quite work out as I had imagined. I got my first boyfriend in ninth grade. He was my high school sweetheart, but we broke up a few months before high school graduation. All through college, I did not date anyone. But believe me when I say that I was looking out for “Mr. Right”…he was just nowhere to be found!

During my freshman year of college, I took part in a Bible Study on navigating singleness and decided to entrust my relationship desires to the Lord. Instead of focusing on Mr. Right, I worked on developing my relationship with the Lord. However, after graduating from college and transitioning into the workforce, several of my friends and co-workers started getting married. I could not understand why God had not seen fit to bless me with a mate. I had dedicated my life to Him, and I was serving Him faithfully, but He had yet to provide me with a prospect for a husband.

Eventually, I became really frustrated with God and felt that He had let me down in some way. Allowing my mind and heart to be consumed with disappointment, I slowly drifted away from consciously pursuing His standards for my life. I communicated with a few guys here and there, but nothing ever developed to the point of a meaningful relationship. Then, my mom passed away. So the singleness issue that I was dealing with was compounded by a devastating loss. I was vulnerable.

Within five months of my mom’s passing, my high school sweetheart came back into my life. I had not talked to him in years. Recognizing the weakness of my heart, I wanted to be careful in proceeding with this friendship, so I prayed about letting him back into my life and sensed that God gave me clearance to do so. We took some time to get reacquainted with each other as young adults, discussing where we had been and where we wanted to go, and we eventually started dating. Over time, I fell in love with his love for God and his heart for me. I knew that I wanted to marry him, and he wanted to marry me, too.

Unchecked Disappointment Led to Sin

At this point in my life, I wanted to be in God’s will, but I had not taken time to address the disappointment I felt towards God in allowing me to be single for so long. I kept functioning and moving forward with a mix of emotions, which now also included sadness and pain from my mom’s death. If I am being completely honest, a part of me felt that there was no point in me fully committing myself to God if He wasn’t going to reward my obedience by giving me my heart’s desire. So a few months into this new start with my high school sweetheart, I did something I had told myself I would NEVER do…

I had sex with my boyfriend…before we were married.

He was a gentleman, and he had never pressured me into having sex before. It was something that I initiated out of a very unhealthy place in my heart. I even had the nerve to tell him, “I better not be pregnant!” But it happened. Weeks later, I found myself faced with the reality that I was unwed and pregnant.

In today’s culture, this is nothing out of the ordinary, but I had decided to be different…not because I was better than everyone else but because I wanted to honor God. I wanted to demonstrate that God’s will could be followed. But here I was…unwed and pregnant…a preacher’s daughter, the oldest child, valedictorian of my high school graduating class, voted Most Likely to Succeed by my high school peers. What in the world had I done? All I could think about was what people would think of me. I would be the talk of the town. I struggled with how to tell my dad, my siblings, the rest of my family, my friends, and the people who looked up to me and expected so much out of me?

It took some time for me to process it all. I finally told my family and friends about four months after I found out, just as I was starting to show. To my surprise, while some were disappointed, I was shown an immeasurable amount of love and grace, especially by my dad. Of course, not everyone was so loving towards me, but I was determined to hold my head up despite my shame and despite what people thought and said about me.

Facing the Truth

Although I knew the depth of my sin, it took a while for me to truly repent for what I had done and recommit my life to the Lord. I didn’t want to face the truth of what had happened in my heart. For so long, in my mind, I was the victim…I was the one who had been overlooked and ignored. I was the one who had been deeply hurt and devastated. I felt justified in those feelings, but I had to come to the realization that they were just that…FEELINGS and not the TRUTH. The unconditional love that my dad showed me during this time reminded me of the truth and God’s love for me.

The truth is that God loved me all along. He had not been ignoring me or looking past my desire for a mate. He cared about how I was feeling and wanted the best for me. Sure, He allowed my mom to die, but it wasn’t because He was heartless. The problem was that I got frustrated with Him because He wasn’t giving me WHAT I wanted WHEN I wanted it. Instead of pouring out my heart to Him (Psalm 62:8), casting my cares on Him (1 Peter 5:7), and trusting Him to give me the desires of my heart (Psalm 37:4), I took my eyes off of Him and put them on my circumstances. That is DANGEROUS because taking our eyes off of Him causes us to drift…slowly, bit by bit until we reach a place that we thought we’d never go.

I am not proud of the sin I committed, and I don’t want to understate it as an emotional downfall. I was wrong. PERIOD. And I knew that I was wrong while I was committing the sin. But you know what? God is so amazingly gracious and merciful. Even in my sin, He loved me (Romans 5:6-8). While my love story did not unfold exactly the way I had imagined as a little girl, God still blessed me with the most perfect man for me. My high school sweetheart and I got married five months after our daughter was born. Sometimes I sit in amazement, with a heart full of gratitude, that God has allowed me to be Narenzo’s wife! He is a wonderful father and such a patient and loving husband. Our daughter (Laila) is no ordinary girl either. I continue to be amazed at this life God entrusted into our care despite our sin. She is extremely smart, incredibly creative, and has a heart for the Lord that makes me want to pursue Him more. We are blessed.

What About You?

I don’t know your story or the mistakes you’ve made along the way, but I do know that God loves you. Yes, YOU! He has not forgotten you. He is not ignoring you. Satan wants you to feel that way so that you will venture as far from God as possible, but don’t believe those lies.

The truth is that God is FOR YOU, NOT AGAINST YOU. Even though we fail, His love NEVER fails. We can be confident of that because Romans 5:8 (CSB) says,

“But God proves his own love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”

That’s right! Even though God knew we would mess up (lots of times), He still chose to send His son, Jesus into the world. And Jesus CHOSE to die for our sins so that we could be made right with God. So now, all you have to do is confess your sins to Him. He won’t throw them back in your face and condemn you for what you’ve done. His word says:

“If we confess our sins, he is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” (1 John 1:9, CSB).

“Anyone who believes in Him is not condemned, but anyone who does not believe is already condemned, because he has not believed in the name of the one and only Son of God.” (John 3:18, CSB)

“As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.” (Psalm 103:12, CSB)

After you confess, commit your way to Him. There’s no way you can live your life alone. Invite Him to be the head of your journey. If you are not already, become a part of a local church so that you can grow in your faith and find other sisters to help keep you accountable in your relationship with the Lord. Life will not always be easy, and you will not always get what you want, but if you keep your eyes on Jesus (Hebrews 12:2), you will be able to persevere in your faith and stay committed to Him no matter what happens in your life.

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