Dealing with Unmet Expectations in Marriage

The coronavirus pandemic forced us into close quarters with those we love, whether we liked it or not. My love language is quality time, so I was thrilled when stay-at-home orders went into place! If you’re anything like me, you were probably happy, too. However, others of us may not have been so enthused about the situation because it would intensify and force us to face issues that were already prevalent in our homes, particularly in marriage. I get it.

When my husband and I lost our home to foreclosure, we stayed in a hotel until we were able to find a new home. Initially, while I was not happy about the situation at hand, I was glad that we would be close together. It’s what I longed for, and I felt like this situation afforded the perfect opportunity for us to have some good quality time with each other. Well, it didn’t quite work out as I had hoped.

THE EXPECTATIONS I BROUGHT INTO MARRIAGE

As a single woman, I spent time reading and studying about the characteristics and qualities I should be working on while waiting for my mate, things such as being content and secure in Christ alone, valuing myself as a beautiful child of God, and having faith and convictions that aligned with His word. As I was developing myself, I also came up with a list of characteristics that I wanted my mate to possess. It was a long list, and I was pretty adamant about him having to meet the criteria on my list, even before I knew who he was. Just like I thought I was supposed to be perfect, my list reflected the perfection I thought my husband should possess, too. Some of the items on my list were reasonable, but I must admit that some were completely unrealistic. It took a very long time for me to realize that, though.

So as you can imagine, I came into marriage thinking that it was going to be picture-perfect. I thought we would know and anticipate each other’s needs and willingly meet those needs because we genuinely loved each other and wanted to express that love in as many ways as possible. I also expected my husband to make me feel extra special by doing sweet gestures, just because, but especially on special days like our anniversary or my birthday or date nights. I expected him to go above and beyond with the planning and execution because that was my dream.

To my surprise, it did not take long after we said our vows for my expectations to be met by a different reality. In fact, it was on our honeymoon that I first experienced my husband not fulfilling one of my desires. It shocked me and made me upset in the moment, but at some point, I got over it and we went on with life. As our family grew and I maintained a full-time job outside the home, my expectations only grew.  

• I assumed that he would help more with the kids or with household chores, like dishes.
• I expected him to notice and acknowledge the things I did for him and our girls.
• I anticipated that he would initiate spending quality time with me, praying with me, reading the Bible with me, having quality conversations with me, and the list goes on.

Sometimes, I would let him know that I needed these things, and sometimes he’d give me just what I needed. Other times, he would act as if I had never mentioned it, which would drive me to frustration and disappointment.

Then there were times when I wouldn’t tell him what I needed at all because I wanted him to prove his love for me by realizing what I needed and offering it to me when I needed it most. So I would sit in silence, just waiting, and growing in frustration because he wasn’t moving the way I hoped he would.

I had much to be grateful for, though. My husband came home to me every day; he faithfully went to work to provide for our family; and he was an amazing father. Why couldn’t I just accept those blessings and overlook what I was missing?  

I HAD A CHOICE

After five years of the same ‘ole thing, I got to a place where I did not know how to live day-to-day in our marriage. I would talk to my husband and explain how I felt or what I needed. He would respond with a casual “okay” or not say anything at all. So I would press harder, and he would shut down and become like a wall. I would get emotional and cry from frustration, anger, and hurt. Then I would start yelling because I wanted him to get my point of view. The more I tried, the worse it got. I felt trapped. It was like we were living under the same roof but living separate lives.

What could I do to make him understand the needs I longed for and the hurt I felt from him not fulfilling those needs? I thought about not meeting his needs anymore, and I even thought about packing up and leaving for a few days to make it appear that I wasn’t coming back (thinking that it would open his eyes to reality and he would feel bad and change). However, I couldn’t leave because I felt convicted. Even when I would not do something I knew he needed me to do, I felt guilty.

I cried. I prayed. I cried. I prayed. I CRIED. I PRAYED. Things remained the same. That’s not how I wanted to live, and I knew that I had to do something different, but I didn’t know what. I was desperate for guidance and help.

I finally got the guts to speak with a trusted adviser about what I was going through, who encouraged me to 1) stay faithful in prayer about the situation, 2) focus on my relationship with God, 3) be a Godly wife, and 4) let God work on my husband. I’ll admit, this was not what I wanted to hear. The last thing I wanted to do was work on me and do right because I felt like I was the one who had been wronged. It was unfair that God wanted to change me when I was the one who had been overlooked. I wasn’t perfect, but surely I wasn’t the problem!

At some point, I realized that I could either continue living miserably in this situation, OR I could accept the advice I was given and trust God to work through that process. Very reluctantly, I chose the latter. I began reading books on marriage, listening to sermons and podcasts online, and listening to Christian radio on my ride to and from work (which I despised listening to growing up when my parents would play it in the car…lol). No matter what I read or listened to, I would hear the SAME THEME as the advice I was given. It irritated the stew out of me! I was looking for God to be on my side…to let me know that how I felt was valid! But nope, I kept hearing that all I can do is work on me and change my actions. I would have to leave it to God to do any changing that needed to be done in my husband.

UGH! Really God?! I was like a toddler kicking and screaming because her toy got taken away.

SURRENDERING TO THE PROCESS

In my own strength, there was no way I could do what I knew was right. It took A WHOLE LOT of continuous prayer to change my heart. I started out feeling completely disengaged. I began writing down what I was experiencing through this new process in my journal. Early on, I wrote: “My feelings are important to me, and I want my husband to prove his love and care for me and sacrifice his desires for mine sometimes. I feel like I’m the one who has to give more, give first. It’s frustrating, and IT HURTS!” A few days later I wrote, “I’m still having trouble letting go of expectations for my husband’s behavior. I feel really discouraged and unloved, and to be honest, it’s hard for me to do right by him because I don’t feel like there is equal effort on his part to know what love means or looks like. Spiritually, I feel far from God. I really feel like I’m not being rewarded for my efforts and like I’m the only one that needs fixing. Everything falls back on me. Actions are DEFINITELY preceding feelings at this point.”

It was a true struggle to let go of what I was feeling. I had to get really honest with God and wrote the following prayer in my journal:

“My heart is hard and still holding on to my ways/thoughts/desires. Please help me to let them go and replace them with Your will and desires for me. Help me to allow You to work out of me what doesn’t honor You (selfishness, bitterness, resentment, disrespectfulness) and to work into me the fruit of Your Spirit (love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, and self-control). Father, You know where I am; please meet me here. Help me to get to the place where I am able to love and respect without expectation or resentment. Help me to do all things without complaining and arguing, being quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger. Help me to have more respectful communications. In Jesus’ Name.”

I wish that I could say I was immediately changed, but I soon got to the point where I wanted to give up. I wrote, “Now, we hardly talk, and when we do, it’s an argument. He doesn’t meet my needs, and I don’t meet his. I’m miserable. I’m losing heart. A lot of times I don’t like him. I’m easily irritated by him. My heart is SO hard towards him. I’m still struggling with marriage.”

It took NINE months before I saw any change in my attitude and perspective.

Honestly, I was waiting for God to swoop down and change our situation without me having to do anything, BUT one day as I was reading, I was reminded that if my circumstances hadn’t changed and if I hadn’t learned a new way of handling them, then I needed to go back to what God instructed me to do and OBEY. The truth was that God was waiting on me to simply OBEY Him. So with the help of the Holy Spirit, I decided to do just that. I finally surrendered.

WHAT I LEARNED BY SURRENDERING TO THE PROCESS

Things did not get better in our marriage when I made my decision to follow God’s plan. In fact, they got worse. My husband and I began seeing some things very differently, including our spiritual beliefs, which had been the foundation of our marriage. I was devastated and became spiritually, emotionally, and physically exhausted from trying to hold things together.

I turned to the only things I knew to do, and I embraced God with every ounce of strength in me, whether I felt like it or not. As much as I’d fought it before, I had to learn:

1) to focus on my relationship with God
2) how to pray
3) how to be a Godly wife
4) to trust God to work on my husband.

Through this process, I learned to let go of my unrealistic expectations. Yes, there are legitimate needs that I have in our marriage, but God showed me that I first had to learn to let Him fill my heart and any void places I had been trying to fill with my husband. I also learned that my husband wasn’t the problem. The truth was that while he had room to improve in our marriage, I had some work to do, too. Over time, as I read my Bible and prayed, God began showing me areas of my life that didn’t quite line up with Him. It wasn’t pretty either. He taught me that my focus should not be on my needs but on pleasing Him by being the wife and person His word instructs me to be.

I learned that God does care about my feelings and desires, but His goal was for me to EXPERIENCE Him through what I was enduring. He didn’t just want me to know ABOUT Him, but He wanted me to KNOW Him personally (John 17:3). The trusted adviser I talked with early on told me that God was refining me and drawing me to intimacy with Him and that sometimes deeper intimacy with God causes us to be hurt by those we love. He was working out a plan for what I was going through. I couldn’t see the plan at the time, but the mere fact that you are reading this blog post is proof of that plan! His goal was not only for me to know Him for myself but also to encourage other women in similar situations.

I’ve also learned that obeying God positions me to receive His promises and blessings. Like I said earlier, I didn’t see immediate changes to my marriage when I started following God’s plan; however, a couple of years later, God began granting me the desires of my heart. I am amazed at how He melted the ice that surrounded my stone-cold heart and gave me unconditional love and respect for my husband. We have become really good friends! We laugh a lot and actually enjoy being around each other. He initiates “talk time” multiple times a week and works hard to help me with our kids and maintaining our home. He has become very intentional in spending time with me and our children. God is faithful!

I can’t express enough how grateful I am to have endured this struggle. This was the most miserable time in my life, and not one bit of it felt good in the moment. I often sit and think, “What if I had given up?” I would not be experiencing the intimacy and joy that I now have with my Heavenly Father and with my husband. As I read this post to him, he and I both sat in amazement at all God has done in our marriage. We even laughed a little just thinking of the way things were.

GOD IS A KEEPER!!!

WHAT ABOUT YOU?

What expectations do you have for your husband (or future husband, if you’re one of my single sisters)? Have you been holding on to unrealistic and unfair expectations? Are you adamant that things have to be on your terms, or else…?  If you’re like me, maybe you thought that marriage was supposed to be perfect. I used to think that every married person was always happy, and that I was the only one who wasn’t. I was hesitant to talk to anyone about what I was going through.

There is nothing wrong with having a list of REASONABLE expectations for your mate. However, we as women should not be so focused on that list that we overlook the things we need to work on because none of us is perfect. None of us has it all together. Not me. Not you. We ALL have room for growth, and we always will. So, if you have a list, check it to ensure your expectations are realistic and not idealistic. Know and understand that just as you are not perfect, your husband (or future husband) isn’t either.

After you ensure your list is reasonable, give it to God. That means you tell Him exactly what you want but then trust Him to provide those things in His time. While you’re waiting, allow Him to change you. The process will not be easy, and it will not feel good, AT ALL; however, IT IS WORTH IT and YOU WILL BE BETTER BECAUSE OF IT! Trust me! It’s all in your obedience.

If you are a sister who is experiencing frustration and disappointment because of unmet expectations in your marriage, I strongly encourage you to focus on the four steps I outlined above. DO NOT allow your emotions to overtake you. They are real but they CANNOT BE TRUSTED to guide you (Jeremiah 17:9). You need an objective voice to guide your path in this situation, and that voice is God’s word. It LITERALLY has guidance for every situation we face, if we’ll just open it. Don’t allow pride to keep you going in the wrong direction. Use your roadmap (the Bible) for the best possible route!

God is waiting on you! Stop resisting and go along for the ride. It won’t get any better until you surrender to the process. It’s all in your obedience. Trust Him to protect your heart and to keep your mind at peace. It may seem like it will never end, but this is just a TEMPORARY DISCOMFORT that can turn into something greater in your life IF you would just yield to the process. You have a choice. Will you allow your disappointment to leave you bitter and miserable, OR will you endure temporary discomfort and follow God’s plan so that you can receive freedom and lasting joy?

RESOURCES TO HELP YOU

Below are some resources that I used during this season of my life. They all helped me tremendously in strengthening my relationship with God, developing my prayer life, and learning how to become a Godly wife. I strongly recommend them for anyone struggling with unmet expectations (or other issues) in marriage. The last book listed below is specifically for my single sisters who need guidance in becoming the woman God wants you to be before you find your mate.

It is my prayer that these resources open your eyes to the will of God for you, whether you are married or single. May they help draw you into deeper intimacy with the Keeper of your Soul, who loves you more than you could ever imagine.

(This post does not contain affiliate links, which means I will not receive any monetary benefits if you make a purchase using the links below. These are simply recommendations to aid in your spiritual growth.)

The Respect Dare: 40 Days to a Deeper Connection with God and Your Husband By Nina Roesner

Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires, the Respect He Desperately Needs By Dr. Emerson Eggerichs

Fervent: A Woman’s Battle Plan for Serious, Specific, and Strategic Prayer By Priscilla Shirer

The Battle Plan for Prayer: From Basic Training to Targeted Strategies By Stephen Kendrick & Alex Kendrick

Lady in Waiting: Becoming God’s Best While Waiting for Mr. Right, Expanded Edition By Jackie Kendall & Debby Jones

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