One Prayer That Changed My Marriage

A few years ago, I was in a very difficult season of marriage. Next to my mom’s passing, it was the most challenging time in my life. The hopes and dreams I had envisioned for my marriage were not coming to life as I had imagined. I was in a constant state of confusion, and I felt defeated on so many levels.

For months, I cried out for God to help me, to change things. But it seemed like my prayers were not going past the ceiling. Nothing was changing for the better. Things only seemed to get worse. I was at the end of my rope. I knew there had to be something I was missing that could bring about the change I wanted to see.

Then, I learned about the book, The Power of a Praying Wife, by Stormie Omartian. The title alone made me eager to read it. And when I looked at the table of contents and saw the 20+ areas of my husband’s life for which I could pray, I knew I had to get it. Surely, it’s what I needed to help my prayers get through. It had to hold the secret that would make all the difference. So, in an act of desperation, I purchased the book and started reading it.

The Jaw-Dropping Prayer

As I dove into the beginning pages of the book, a weight lifted off my chest. Although the author and I did not share the same struggles in our marriages, the feelings she expressed connected with my heart. I finally felt seen and understood. And with excitement, I anticipated the prayers that would follow because my concerns and frustrations were validated.

But those warm, fuzzy feelings soon shifted to disappointment and anger as I was introduced to the first prayer:

“Lord, change me.”

That was an unexpected surprise! A total jaw-dropper.

My mouth balled into a knot.

My chest tightened.

My jaws clenched.

And my eyes filled with tears.

That is the last prayer I wanted to pray! In fact, I didn’t think I needed to pray it at all. I had already done SO MUCH to learn and work at being a Godly wife.

Was this a joke? Did my previous efforts not count? Were they not enough? Was I now expected to ignore those feelings that had just been validated as if they were nothing?

A Shocking Revelation

I had to be honest with the Lord. I let Him know that I was disappointed, that I felt overlooked, and that I felt wronged. I laid out my laundry list of previous efforts and the expectations I had of Him rewarding those efforts. I honestly told him that it just wasn’t fair! I felt like I had done it all for nothing.

But He was patient. He gave way for me to vent and process my frustrations. Then, in the gentle and loving way that only He can, He awakened my heart to a shocking truth:

My prayers were not being answered because they were not being prayed from a pure heart.

Facing the Truth

That revelation was extremely hard to accept. I thought I had been doing the right thing by making my requests known to God in prayer. But He showed me that I had allowed discouragement to overtake my heart because the changes I wanted to see were not coming to life. And I allowed the discouragement to fester when my efforts to grow and change were not equally met by my husband. Eventually, bitterness and resentment took root in my heart. And instead of my heart holding unconditional love, it became a breeding ground for self-pity and disrespect.

But I did not want to change, at least not first. It did not seem right for me to be the one to initiate change (again) if I was not the leader of the relationship. Wasn’t that my husband’s job? I thought he was commanded to love me sacrificially like Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her (Ephesians 5:25). Yet, I felt that I was being asked to do that for him. I wrestled back and forth with these thoughts. I refused to pray the prayer until I saw that my husband was willing to grow and change, too.

But over time, the Lord worked on my stubborn heart. Through a messy process, I slowly surrendered the grip on my hurting heart and gave my disappointments, frustrations, expectations, and desires to Jesus, naming them one by one. Then, I prayed the hardest prayer I have ever prayed…

“Lord, change ME.”

How My Marriage Changed

The change did not happen immediately, but slowly. One moment. One heartstring at a time.

As I painfully yielded my brokenness to Jesus, He humbled me and opened my eyes to my own imperfections. I was confronted with the harsh reality that I was in the way. I was the one preventing the change I so desperately wanted to see. My words, my tone, and my attitude had become obstacles that interfered with our ability to yield to any changing the Lord wanted to do in each of our hearts.

So I had to learn to stop playing the role of the Holy Spirit in my husband’s life. I came to understand that the most effective way for me to help my husband was to pray for him, not talk at him or try to control him. That perspective helps me stay humble and aware of my flaws. It reminds me to extend compassion, grace, and forgiveness to my husband, just as I need the Lord to do for me.

Today, I am happy to report that many of the changes I longed to see have come to pass. We truly enjoy each other. We share intimate conversations and laugh a lot. We are much better at prioritizing each other and tending to each other’s needs. We are more united than ever before. I praise God for the progress we’ve made!

A Work in Progress

I have to be completely honest so that I don’t give you a false hope. That one prayer in no way made our marriage perfect. Noooooo!!! But that one prayer did CHANGE our marriage for the better because it changed me! And it continues to change me.

Our marriage is still very much a work in progress, as it will forever be. Even though we’ve come a long way, there are still things I long to see changed…in him, in me, in us. Oh, and I constantly battle the desire to change him! However, I have to continually lean into God, asking Him to continue working on me, at times with tears streaming down my face. And I have to frequently surrender my desires, dreams, and worries to Him. At times, trusting God seems harder than it was before, but the more I trust Him, the more I experience His love.

What About You?

Are there changes you long to see in your marriage? Have your requests gone from simple prayers to begging and pleading? Are you worn down with discouragement because you don’t see any manifestation of those prayers?

Sister, I know you’re tired. You’re at the end of your rope. But I’m here to encourage you to let go. Fall into the loving arms of Jesus, cast your every care upon Him, and ask Him to change you. I know you don’t want to do one more thing to make it right, but trust me. I have experienced the power of yielding to the Holy Spirit’s work, and although it is uncomfortable, it will breathe life into you, which will open the door for life to come into your marriage. It will not be easy, but it will ABSOLUTELY be worth it!

There is so much that awaits you on the other side of surrender: unexplainable peace, unspeakable joy, and unwavering hope. Come on, sis, have your fit, take a really deep breath, and say, “Lord, change me.” I’m a witness that He will keep you as you yield yourself to Him.

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