Debra’s Story of Learning to Release Control in Marriage

Are you a frustrated and tired wife? A wife who’s really struggling (probably in silence) because your marriage is in a rocky place with no light in sight? Have you been relentlessly praying, working with all your might to fix it (or maybe “fix him”) only to find that your attempts are of no effect?

Believe it or not, sister, you are not alone! I have heard stories from numerous wives who have been there, and I can certainly relate. That’s why I am so glad to have influential women in my life to tell me how they’ve treaded through these murky waters and to offer wisdom and encouragement on how they made it through. And I am so thrilled to introduce one of those women to you.

I recently had the privilege of sitting down with author, speaker, and ministry founder, Debra Cheek, to talk about her journey of learning to release control in marriage. We shared a very authentic and relatable conversation that will encourage you to do the same. My interview questions are shown below in bold, and Debra’s responses are shown in italics. You can read more about Debra and find ways to connect in her bio at the end of this interview.

DEBRA’S INITIAL EXPECTATIONS OF MARRIAGE

What was your view of marriage, and what expectations did you have of your husband prior to getting married?

That’s a great question! Honestly, I thought we would get married and live happily ever after. I loved the idea of marriage, and I did not think it would be anything but easy. I thought that because we loved each other, we would be immune from issues. I learned quickly that was not the case!

I expected my husband to act like my father. I didn’t even realize it, but I just assumed that he would interact with me like my dad interacted with my mom. I expected him to handle yard work, handyman responsibilities, car maintenance, and any traditionally male responsibilities. Oddly enough, I still wanted him to cook because he is great at it. My expectations were a moving target, and I couldn’t even see how frustrating and confusing that was for him.

How did you try to get your husband to conform to your views and expectations, and what effect did that have on you and your marriage?

I tried everything that you can think of – I dropped hints, enlisted family members and friends to speak to him, and even casually left my Bible open to highlighted passages that just “happened” to address the current issue. I hate to admit it, but I resorted to manipulation – pouting, withholding intimacy, the silent treatment – to try to get my way.

LEARNING TO RELEASE CONTROL

Describe your “light bulb moment” – the point at which you realized you could no longer control or manipulate your husband.

I’ll never forget it. It was a Sunday morning, and we were having another “before church argument”. I was walking up the stairs, and my husband was at the top of the stairs. I cannot remember the actual context of the argument, but I remember saying to him, “I’m done. I’m putting you back in the Lord’s hands.” Truthfully, I don’t know where that came from or even the meaning behind it, but I felt like God was saying, “finally – that’s where he should have been the whole time!” I realized that I had been trying to do the job of Holy Spirit. I was trying to be my husband’s conscience, his decision maker, the one who corrected him and “led him into all truth”, but I was leading him to do things my way which did not always align with what was truth or right.

What has it looked like for you to 1) process God’s expectations of you as a wife and 2) release control of your husband and marriage to Him?

It’s been painful, beautiful, ugly, messy, and all the things! The process of healing ends beautifully, but the steps along the way rarely are. I was truly hurt when I realized how controlling and manipulative I was. I was in shock, and I battled with feelings of shame and condemnation. It took a lot of tears, reading and re-reading scriptures, and time to discard my thoughts and images of what marriage was supposed to be (and who both John and I were to be) and replace them with what God’s idea of marriage and our roles are. There are still times when God shows me that I am trying to control my husband or a situation, and I may have to wrestle to let the reins go. At these times, I spend time in prayer, talk to a trusted friend, and even share with my husband that I am struggling to release control.

What keeps you going and trusting God in the difficult seasons of marriage? How do you process and cope with your emotions during those seasons?

I keep lots of journals. I have old, worn out journals from the early years of my marriage, and I can track that I am currently living the things I prayed for all those years ago. It’s those victories, actual records of God’s promises coming to pass, that keep me going in faith that He will do whatever the next thing is as well. I’ve learned I process best in quiet, so I also spend lots of quiet time on my back porch or taking a walk pouring out my feelings, concerns, and hopes. 

THE BENEFITS OF TRUSTING GOD & RELEASING CONTROL

What changes have you seen in yourself and your marriage since taking action to become a believing wife?

So many! My husband and I communicate much more effectively, and I am much freer now that I am not trying to change him and everyone else. I’ve grown closer to God, and I can see how the issues I had applied to more than just my marriage. I also have developed such a passion to help other wives gain that same freedom.

How have you seen the Lord’s keeping power at work throughout your marriage journey?

It took years for my husband and I to get to the place where we are now. YEARS! God didn’t just keep our marriage, He kept my mind. You know, when you are experiencing pain in marriage, it can be consuming. You still have to take care of your children, go to work, and serve in ministry or organizations. I know I wouldn’t have survived those hard seasons if God had not kept me. There were seasons of sadness that could have resulted in long-term depression, seasons of anger that could have grown into bitterness, and seasons of hurt that could have kept us in cycles of unforgiveness. God absolutely kept us.

ENCOURAGEMENT FOR THE STRUGGLING WIFE

What encouragement would you offer to wives who feel tired and alone in their marriage or to those who are hurting and need help navigating disappointments and unmet expectations? Are there any resources you would recommend?

I know what it is like to feel successful in every area except your marriage. I know what it’s like to feel too ashamed to ask for help, or to feel that there is no one around who is experiencing the same issues. I want that tired, frustrated wife to know that she is not alone. I’d encourage her to do two things: 1) dive into God’s word and find what He says about being a wife because it’s a powerful, beautiful, influential role, and 2) find a community of godly women who are safe, transparent, and honest about their struggles and their victories related to marriage. If there is not a local group, I’d love to invite them to join our community – Believing Wives. Wives in our group have dealt with and gained victory over all sorts of marital issues – financial, parenting, adultery. We gather weekly for a virtual Bible study to encourage each other, gain biblical insight, celebrate growth, and find fresh strength.

Is there anything else you want our readers to know?

I would just remind them that there is nothing too hard for God. He can soften the hardest of hearts, restore what seems impossible to put back together, and bless us beyond our wildest dreams!

CONCLUSION

This concludes my interview with Debra. I am so grateful for her decision to become a godly, believing wife and for her willingness to openly share her journey with us. I encourage you to check out and subscribe to her online community for wives. I have been so encouraged and richly blessed by her ministry.

Sister, I am a witness that if you allow the Lord to change you, you will see changes in your marriage. He’s keeping you through this hard season, and He will blow your mind with His presence and His goodness as you put your trust in Him. It’s okay, sis. Trust Him with your heart and with your marriage. Release control!

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