Kelly’s Journey of Embracing Her Imperfect Story

What happens when the life you planned spirals into one you never imagined? How do you pick up the pieces of a shattered dream when you are left broken and devastated? Where do you find the strength to move beyond your hurt to embrace the life you never wanted?

In this interview, I am honored to share the story of Kelly Foster, who found courage in God to move forward after her happily ever after was shattered by infidelity. Kelly shares very openly about her journey from betrayal and pain to hope and healing. It is a raw and honest conversation that is sure to grip the recesses of your heart if you find yourself in a similar situation.

My interview questions are shown in bold, and Kelly’s responses are shown in italics. You can read more about Kelly and find ways to connect in her bio at the end of this interview.

KELLY’S STORY OF BETRAYAL

Please share how your life turned into the imperfect story you never planned or dreamed of.

After growing up a fan of Disney fairy tales, I was under the impression that all dreams come true, a charming knight in shining armor would choose me to be his wife and we’d walk off into the sunset to live happily ever after. This thinking was a recipe for disaster and set me up for unhealthy relational interactions. Imagine my surprise when after accepting the proposal of a charming man, life seemed to spin out of control.

As we began our marriage, I birthed a child and we planted a new church all in the same year. Five years into the building of my family, I discovered that the marriage had been hit with a major blow. Sexual sin in the form of pornography addiction and infidelity had infiltrated my home. I was utterly broken and confused about what to do. Even still, I was determined to do whatever it took to make it work. This included spending extreme amounts of time and money “fixing” the problem. The more I focused on fixing, the further I got away from myself and healing. My former spouse ultimately decided that he no longer wanted to pursue the marriage, and I was left picking up the pieces of my shattered dream.

What are some of the emotions you experienced as you discovered your husband’s addiction, and how did you process them at the time? How did you push past those emotions to work through the issues in your marriage?

During the time of discovery, which many women who’ve experienced betrayal call D-Day, I lived through a broad range of emotions. It was an incredibly painful season. From intense anger and rage to affection and a strong desire to be close to the person causing my pain. I felt all of this at the same time on any given day.

Trying to decide what to do when infidelity rocks your marriage feels next to impossible, especially because I had developed a codependent relationship. I was no longer connected to my wants, needs, and desires. My life centered around the relationship and our big problem. My brain and my heart were disconnected. I couldn’t trust my gut.

Initially, I was unable to adequately process the mental and emotional ramifications of either decision to stay or go. I came to learn later on that the trauma of this experience has a huge impact on the brain, thus making decisions harder. The turning point for me was the realization that I didn’t want my children to have the same marriage I had, and the only hope I had to help prevent it was for me to trust God and leave. At the time I felt like it wasn’t me choosing, instead it was the only option I had for survival.

FACING & ACCEPTING REALITY

After attempts to work through the issues in your marriage, how did you come to a place of gaining peace about divorce?

The decision to leave is never an easy one. It’s also one that I continued to wrestle with long after the initial decision was made. I was able to process this decision by seeking specific professional therapy. Severing a marriage is not a small thing. It impacts every area of your life. I knew I needed intense therapy to help me understand the what and how of divorce.

For months I sat with my therapist every two weeks as she listened to me bring my raw, confused, certain but uncertain thoughts and emotions to the table. Then, one by one, she asked me questions, she challenged my thinking and she validated my experience. Slowly but surely, she was helping me regain confidence in my ability to protect and trust me. This was pivotal to gaining peace. I knew I had done everything I could, and there were no other options. My heart still felt extremely troubled.

As your divorce became a reality, what fears and obstacles have you experienced, and how have you worked through them?

I am currently working through lots of fears when it comes to being a divorced woman with three children. First, there’s the fear of failure. This fear screams that you will not be able to have a successful relationship. The enemy has a way of hanging the fear of being alone over a single woman’s head. It’s easy to believe the lie that “no one will want you” simply because someone else misused you. Their missteps with your heart begin to shape your view of yourself.

Even as I move forward healthily, the fear of my past tends to remind me of only the negative and ignores the growth that has taken place. I am overcoming this by believing God for my identity and finding joy in being everything he says I am. Focusing on my growth journey always puts these fears at ease for me. When I look back over journal entries and see how God has grown me. When I reflect on how painful something was then take note of how God has eased that pain and replaced it with peace and joy. It’s a daily process of trusting God, it’s not easy but it is so powerful for moving forward after pain.

EMBRACING HER IMPERFECT STORY

What has it looked like for you to surrender the hopes you had for your life, and how have you learned to embrace your story?

Surrender for me looks like acceptance, forgiveness, and hope. I had to get to a place where I believed that every promise God had for me before my marriage and beyond is still true. God’s word does not return void, so why should I believe that just because my marriage was unsuccessful that those promises will not come to pass. It’s quite the opposite. God plans to fulfill every single promise. I don’t have to figure out how he will do it. I need to accept my life as it is, knowing that even as imperfect as it may be, God is using it for his glory.

I learned to ask God to help me forgive my former spouse very early on because I knew it would be key to my growth. I believe that this fact is one of the biggest reasons for my peace.

Finally, I am relearning to hope again. I still desire to be married when the time is right again. I also have hope that I will walk out healing in my life. Just because things fall apart doesn’t mean that God doesn’t have a redemption story just for you. He specializes in redemption, and you and I are no exception.

What practical steps have you taken to heal and move forward?

One major step I’ve taken to move forward in healing is strengthening my relationship with God through prayer. I started the practice of writing my prayers down and praying them over and over again. I pray for things I am unable to conceptualize, like forgiveness, even while pain is still raging or changes I need to see in my attitude and heart, even when I don’t feel it.

I utilize therapy, support groups, books, and most importantly, community. Without a community of individuals who can support, love, and challenge you, healing will be very difficult. You cannot heal outside of a community. Being vulnerable and learning who you can trust is not easy, but it is a very necessary part of healing.

Describe the freedom you’ve found through healing and embracing your imperfect story?

I cannot begin to describe to you the unimaginable freedom that I’ve experienced since pursuing healing personally. When you are in pain and all you feel is heaviness, stress, and brokenness, you would give anything for a bit of relief. Healing isn’t fun because it requires hard work, but the relief is inexplicably beautiful. Simply put, it’s a “peace that surpasses all understanding” (Philippians 4:7).

Embracing my imperfect story has meant that I can now truly begin to share it with others authentically. As I share my story, others are freed to do the same. This cycle of healing and freedom is contagious and powerful enough to bring the world to Jesus. By not limiting my experience to perfection, I am free to be rescued by my Savior.

LESSONS LEARNED FROM THE JOURNEY

What has your journey taught you about yourself and about the Lord?

My journey has taught me so much about God. I know God’s character much better now after these experiences; this will continue to grow as I experience even more of God in the future. I now know that God is a comforter because he has comforted me. I know he works miracles because when I prayed a prayer full of miracles, I watched him bring them to pass one by one. God is faithful and he hears our cry; God is not deaf to our situations, and going through betrayal trauma taught me that. I also learned that unlike the dainty princess from all the Disney movies of the past, I am a warrior. Through Christ, I can do hard things. I can heal. I can make healthy decisions even after I’ve made mistakes. God’s grace covers both my mistakes and the mistakes of others. If I can sum it up in one simple sentence it would be, I am never alone because God is always with me.

What encouragement would you offer to another woman whose life has not turned out the way she planned? Are there any organizations, resources, and/or scriptures that you would like to recommend to our readers who may be experiencing a similar situation?

If you are feeling upset, disappointed, and hurt that your life hasn’t turned out anything like you planned, please know that you are not alone. Your feelings are valid, and sometimes it just feels terrible. It’s okay to acknowledge your pain, it’s okay to cry, but that is not the end of your story. God has a plan to work out every situation in your life, even the bad things, for your good. Through the process of healing, which includes forgiveness, acceptance, and submission to God’s plan for your life, you can hope again.

Additionally, I am a strong advocate for professional therapy and support groups. Find the best available practitioner/class that fits your needs and budget, and attend regular sessions. DivorceCare is a great organization for those who decide that separation is best in a betrayal situation. Begin building your community of support, including family and friends, that can walk with you as you seek God and do the hard work of healing. Finally, I would love to walk with you on your journey, so feel free to connect with me on my website at Kellyafoster.com.

Is there anything else you want our readers to know?

God loves you. Never let your circumstances convince you that God isn’t working on your behalf daily, even as things fall apart. God is faithful to restore your faith, hope, and peace.

CLOSING COMMENTS

This concludes my interview with Kelly. I would like to thank her for giving us a glimpse into her journey and for candidly sharing how she is learning to embrace her imperfect story. I hope you have been encouraged to surrender your heart to Jesus and entrust your imperfect story to Him.

Kelly’s encouragement does not stop here! I strongly encourage you to download her free YouVersion devotional plan and purchase her book for more practical help on embracing your imperfect story. You can find the links to both, along with ways to connect with her, in her bio below. I am confident that her ministry will help you face your fears so that you can become healthy, whole, and healed.

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