Give Yourself Permission to Grieve

“Give yourself permission to grieve.”

Those were the words my therapist said to me as we discussed how life had been since my mom’s death. At the time of our conversation, it had been 13 years since my mom’s passing. I initiated the discussion because I was going through a challenging life transition, and I was emotionally and mentally drained. It was the type of situation where I desperately needed my mom’s support and encouragement. The desperation I felt at that moment was stronger than I’d ever felt before. And the more we talked, the more I realized that I had been suppressing my grief over the years.

Expecting a Difficult First Year

I was 23-years-old when my mom passed. Having already experienced the deaths of three grandparents, I expected the first year without her to be hard, and it was. Holidays were not the same. Family gatherings were not the same. Going to church was not the same. Going home was not the same. Everyday life, in general, was just not the same.

Despite this drastic change, I had accepted the fact that my mom was gone. Yet, I struggled to express the emotions I felt. I had always been positive and upbeat, going with the flow. So I continued with my natural behaviors and tendencies and acted as if everything in my world was fine. In hindsight, I don’t believe I did this intentionally. It’s just who I was. At that time in my life, I did not feel comfortable or justified in openly expressing my grief. I thought that the celebration of life service and burial were my only times to show true, raw emotions. I didn’t realize that it was okay not to be okay after that chapter ended.

Fighting Back Tears

I remember one instance in particular where I had gone to church for choir rehearsal shortly after my mom’s death. We practiced a song titled “I Trust You” by James Fortune and FIYA, and I became internally overcome with emotion. I was sad as I thought about how my mom would sit in the congregation (over to the left side of the choir loft) and smile and mouth words of encouragement as we stood to sing. I was angry and doubtful because we were singing a song about trusting God through painful circumstances, yet I had trusted God to heal my mom on this side of Heaven but He chose not to do so.

As we practiced the song, I felt a ball of tears well up in the back of my eyes. I felt pressure on my chest, but I was too afraid to let it out. I thought about running out of the side door into the restroom, but I didn’t want anyone to know that I was struggling. Again, I didn’t know that it was okay not to be okay, so I felt that I had to be strong and keep it all together. I also did not want to make anyone feel uncomfortable or cause everyone else to feel sad. So I stood there and fought back tears with all my might. I took slow and deep, yet subtle breaths, and I just kept going through the motions.

Hiding in My Invisible Shell

As I reflected on that instance after talking to my therapist, I began to wonder…

• How many times had I done that?
• How many times had I suppressed my grief out of fear of what others would think of me?
• How many times did I hold back my tears because I did not want to make others uncomfortable?
• How many times did I keep from sharing my struggles with my mom’s passing because I was afraid to be vulnerable?
• How many times did I push past my feelings because my first year without her (the timeline I thought was enough to get over it) had passed?

Sadly, I had gotten into a habit of hiding my feelings, like a turtle backing into a shell…except my shell was invisible. The ache that I thought would only last a year stayed with me year after year after year after year. I would acknowledge that I missed my mom and that life was different without her, but I kept hiding my true feelings. I managed to suppress my grief at the birth of my kids, as I planned my wedding and picked out my wedding dress, and when I got married. And unless I was alone, I held back during the less predictable times when my emotions would show up without permission….such as while attending a women’s conference, while attending funerals, while having conversations with family and friends, while visiting others in the hospital where she died, and even while watching television or movies.

But this time, I had taken all I could take, and I felt I had no more space to hide. So I opened up and shared what I had been holding onto with my therapist. I needed to learn how to cope with my mom’s death.

Facing the Truth About Grief

So, with the help of God and my therapist, I’ve given myself permission to grieve. And I’ve come to face this truth about grief: Grief is not a one-and-done task. It is a continuous process that evolves as our lives develop and change. And that is okay.

There will be “firsts” throughout the rest of my life where I desire her presence. There will be accomplishments, trials, and failures where I’d appreciate her support and encouragement. There will be triggers (expected and unexpected) that cause my emotions to resurface.

In every stage and every season of my life, there will be new levels of grief. And I’m learning not to push past them or suppress my emotions, but to be honest with myself and others about what I feel and what I’m experiencing. Whenever, wherever, even years later, I have to give myself permission to grieve in the moment. And guess what, sis? So do you.

What About You?

Who have you lost, and how have you grieved? Have you been honest about your feelings and let them flow, or have you been holding back and suppressing your grief?

If you’ve been holding back, I encourage you to join me today, and give yourself permission to grieve. There is nothing wrong with that. Grieving does not mean you forget your loved one or let them go. It is an outward expression of the significance of that person and what he or she meant to your life. If Jesus wept over the death of His friend, Lazurus (John 11:1-44), then we can give ourselves permission to grieve the loss of our loved one.

In Matthew 5:4 (NKJV), Jesus said, “Blessed are those who mourn, For they shall be comforted.” Two truths caught my attention when I read that. First, it says we are blessed when we mourn. Secondly, it says that we will be comforted when we mourn.

The reality is that our loved one is not coming back, but even in the anguish and pain that we feel, the Lord has promised to comfort us. That means that He, Himself will console and refresh us. He will bring us to a state where we are able to move forward and live with joy despite the loss. But in order to experience this promise, we have to mourn. Every time we find ourselves triggered by the loss, we have to mourn. And every time we do, the Lord will exchange our sorrow for His joy.

Trust the process, sis. Give yourself permission to grieve. God has kept you thus far, and I’m confident that He won’t stop now because He’s a Keeper!

I invite you to click here to download a free printable titled "7 Scriptures for Managing Grief" to encourage you through your grief journey. Print it out or write the scriptures on a piece of paper and place them in areas you frequent so you’ll constantly be reminded of God’s promises.

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