How Could God Let My Mom Die (Now)?

Monday, June 9, 2008…a day that changed my life forever. That was the day that my beautiful mother, Mrs. Jennifer Brown Ervin, transitioned into eternity, at the age of 49.

Shock. Disbelief. Extreme sadness. Hurt. Anger. Numbness.

Those are some of the words to describe how I felt back then, and if I’m completely honest, they describe how I still feel now, from time to time.

How It Happened

My mom had been diagnosed with congestive heart failure ten years before her passing. She had undergone various operations and procedures to help strengthen her heart, including receiving devices that helped her heart pump. She had been in and out of the hospital numerous times over that ten-year period, but her condition progressively worsened over the last two years of her life, causing her to become a top candidate for a heart transplant. Although she had received a few calls for a heart, she was never able to go through with a transplant due to the heart being defective upon examination or it just not being a match for her. Despite the seriousness and the worsening of her condition, my family and I believed that God could give her a new heart or completely heal and restore her own heart back to full health (on this side of Heaven). I felt that we had the kind of faith that could move mountains…the kind that believes that God can do the IMPOSSIBLE without a doubt. We just knew that this situation was a prime candidate for Him to “show up and show out”. We wanted Him to show Himself strong and mighty so that all who knew my mom and heard about her would hear about God’s miraculous power, and ultimately put their total trust in Him.

On Thursday, June 5, 2008, my Mom had a major surgery in which a double heart pump was placed inside of her body to function for her heart, as it had become extremely weak. She was placed in the Cardiac Intensive Care Unit (CICU) after the surgery, where she remained until her passing. They kept her sedated, so the last time we had talked to her was just before her surgery. My dad was at every visitation that the CICU would allow, and my siblings and I visited as often as we could/wanted to (given that it was difficult to see her in that state). At the time, I was 23 years old, my sister was 17, and my brother was 12. There were so many exciting things that were getting ready to happen that week.

1. My sister would be leaving out early that Monday morning (June 9^th) on a trip to the northeast United States with her high school classmates.
2. My brother’s 13^th birthday was coming up that Friday (June 13^th), and he and I were planning to take a birthday trip to Mobile, Alabama to celebrate.
3. My parents were also going to be celebrating their 27^th wedding anniversary that Friday (yep, my brother was born on their anniversary!).

We were anticipating these events with excitement and eagerly waiting on my Mom to wake up and be able to celebrate with us.

Well, my Dad got my sister to the airport early that Monday morning, and she flew off on her exciting trip. Before her surgery, my mom insisted that my sister go on that trip because it was so important to her, as Mom wanted all of us to experience as much as we could. My Dad, brother, and I spent the day in the hospital waiting room. Late that afternoon, my Dad and I went into a small room with three of my mom’s doctors. They proceeded to tell us of her current condition and all they had been doing to help her; however, at that point, there was nothing else they could do. Her heart was too weak. It was beyond their control, and they recommended that we strongly consider turning off her heart pump. As they were talking, I remember trying to be strong. In my heart of hearts, I still believed that God could AND would heal my Mom. I remember hearing what they were saying but showing no emotion because I was thinking, “Y’all are about to witness the miraculous power of God!” We left the room, and I was in a daze. I heard their report. It was bleak and hopeless, but I was full of hope. I didn’t think God was going to let her die right then, but a couple of hours later, she was gone. Just like that. Gone.

I still remember my Dad coming to the courtyard outside of the waiting area to tell my brother and me that she had passed. I remember him having to make a call to my sister, who by this time was hundreds of miles away, to tell her that our mom was gone. Talk about gut-wrenching! To see my little brother devastated and crying, “I want my Momma,” to hear my sister screaming through the phone, and to witness my Dad completely helpless and hurting….it all still breaks my heart to this day.

HOW And WHY Would God Let This Happen?

We stayed at the hospital for a few hours after Momma passed, along with family and friends who came to support us. It still seemed unreal. We were all in shock. Late that night, we left the hospital. We left her body at the hospital for the funeral home to retrieve, but I kept anticipating a call from the hospital saying that she wasn’t dead, although I had seen her lifeless body lying there. Even after she was transported to the funeral home, I kept anticipating a call from the funeral home director telling us that my mom miraculously came back to life and was well…completely healed. But that didn’t happen.

On Monday, June 16, 2008, we buried my mom…six feet underground. There was no way she was coming out of that. That’s when it really hit me. Before then, I was sad, and I cried, but I couldn’t sob and grieve because I BELIEVED. I was banking on John 14:16,

“If ye shall ask Anything in My (Jesus’) name, I will do it.”

(Emphasis Added)

Oh, how many times had we asked IN HIS NAME, but this time, He didn’t do it (at least not the way we had hoped).

How could God LET my mother die? I mean, she served Him faithfully. She retired from her full-time job and went into full-time ministry alongside my dad. She was an EXCELLENT wife and mother. She was humble and graceful, and she poured into others to build them up in Christ as He called her to. She was a teacher of His word. She wasn’t perfect, but she loved Him with all her heart, soul, mind, and strength. How could He allow her to die at that moment? It just didn’t make sense. It was four days before my parent’s wedding anniversary AND my brother’s 13^th birthday. It was the summer before my sister’s senior year of high school. I had already graduated high school and college, but I was just starting life on my own in the real world.

We had prayed for her complete healing.
We believed God’s word.
We were hopeful.

How Her Death Has Impacted Me

This year makes 12 years since she passed away. I still don’t have all the answers. While I know that she is whole and healed now in Heaven, I don’t know why God took her when He did. It hurts in an unexplainable way. To this day, I still struggle with her death in some ways. There are still times when a thought, a word, an event, another death, a holiday, or something unique to her will trigger sadness that makes me cry, or sometimes, angry. To be completely transparent, I often struggle with believing God for certain things like healing, protection, miracles, or massive/impossible things. I believe, but I struggle with going all the way with my belief, as if there are limits, not to what He CAN do but to what He WILL do. I often pray that God helps my unbelief.

At the end of the day, I hope in God and trust that even though He allowed her to die when she did, He is STILL GOOD and He STILL LOVES US. Because of Jesus, I have hope that I will see her again. It doesn’t mean that I don’t have times where I get weak, but I can trust God to help me through each moment. I find comfort by looking to Him. With that hope, I find the ability to keep going.

Mom’s passing changed me in the following ways and has given me a new perspective on life and death.

1. It’s allowed me to understand the importance of grieving and the need for each person to grieve in his/her own way and time.
2. It’s making me look to God and continually take my frustration, disappointment, hurt, sadness, and anger to Him. I’ve learned that it’s okay not to be okay and that I can take my raw, honest feelings straight to God, with no filter (Psalm 62:8).
3. It’s helped me to encourage friends who have lost their mothers, and it’s made me more empathetic to those going through any kind of grief. It’s taught me the importance of simply being there rather than saying words, because sometimes, even words spoken with the nicest intentions can be irritating, insensitive, and hurtful (Proverbs 25:20).
4. It’s made me want to be an intentional wife and mother (just like my mom), and it’s opened my eyes to the importance of leaving a legacy that honors God and points others to Him, especially my children.

What About You?

Who have you lost? How has their death impacted you? Leave a comment below or send me an email sharing your story. I would love to hear from you.

Also, download these scriptures to encourage you through your grief. Print them out or write them on a notecard or a piece of paper and place them in areas you frequent so you’ll constantly be reminded of God’s promises.

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