Pregnancy and infant loss are heartbreaking realities that have caused unimaginable pain to countless women and their families. The joy and excitement they experienced upon discovering they were expecting were turned into devastation when their baby’s heart stopped beating during those early weeks of pregnancy; or when their baby, who had been showing signs of healthy growth, was suddenly born preterm or born still; or when their baby, who was delivered into the world, welcomed home, held and nurtured, suddenly drifted into eternity during a peaceful sleep without warning and with no known cause. And for some of those women, that daunting reality has not only happened once, but over and over and over again, leaving them filled with agonizing pain, overwhelming anxiety and fear, utter disappointment and shame, and mounting hopelessness.
PREGNANCY & INFANT LOSS AWARENESS
Pregnancy and infant loss is more common than many know. According to the Share Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support organization, 1 in 4 pregnancies ends in a loss.1 That means that “approximately a million pregnancies yearly in the United States end in early pregnancy loss, stillbirth, or the death of the newborn child”.1 In addition, studies by the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG) show that about 10% of known pregnancies end in early pregnancy loss (i.e. during the first 13 weeks of pregnancy)2, and stillbirths occur in about 1 in 160 deliveries in the United States3.
Many of the women who have experienced this type of loss suffer in silence. While some may know of families who have endured pregnancy and/or infant loss, they likely do not understand the depth of their grief and often overlook or dismiss the significance of the loss and its effect on the parents. In an effort to increase awareness around the grief these families face and to help others acknowledge the value of the lives lost, President Ronald Reagan designated October as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. In his proclamation speech on October 25, 1988, President Reagan said,
“When a child loses his parent, they are called an orphan. When a spouse loses her or his partner, they are called a widow or widower. When parents lose their child, there isn’t a word to describe them. This month recognizes the loss so many parents experience across the United States and around the world. It is also meant to inform and provide resources for parents who have lost children due to miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, molar pregnancy, stillbirths, birth defects, SIDS [Sudden Infant Death Syndrome], and other causes.”
-President Ronald Reagan
WHAT I HOPE YOU GLEAN FROM THIS POST
I have not personally experienced pregnancy or infant loss, but I am honored to share with you the pregnancy and infant loss journey of a very dear cousin and friend, Brittany Hogan (see a short bio on Brittany at the end of this post). My goal for this post is two-fold:
- First, if you are a woman who has endured this type of loss, I hold you in my heart and am sending you a virtual hug. It is my hope that this post encourages you to know you are not alone in what you feel. I pray that you find hope through Brittany’s story and that you are strengthened to continue pressing forward. May her story nudge you closer to the arms of our Heavenly Father.
- Secondly, for those who have not had this experience, I pray this post helps you to better understand the grief endured by a woman when she experiences infertility and/or pregnancy and infant loss. As God created us to live in community, I hope you gain insight to help you respond and minister effectively so that you are a blessing to women and their families as they grieve a devastating loss. It can be easy to say we will pray for them or to drop off a meal at their houses, and these things are important. However, we often forget, or just don’t understand, that the grief these families feel lasts a lifetime. I hope you glean practical ways to walk alongside women you know in that place.
BRITTANY’S PREGNANCY & INFANT LOSS STORY
Below you will find my interview with Brittany. It has been humbling to behold her faith over time and to have her share her journey with me. I am confident that you will be blessed, encouraged, and informed by her authenticity and openness. My questions to Brittany are shown in bold, and her responses to each question are shown in italics.
Please describe your pregnancy and infant loss journey.
For two years straight, July was the worst month of my life. On July 7, 2015, my husband and I lost our daughter, Niya Alise, and on July 30, 2016, we lost our daughter, Madison Nicole. I went into preterm labor unexpectedly both times at exactly twenty weeks pregnant. Niya’s preterm birth was caused by an incompetent cervix and placenta abruption due to a blood clotting disorder found after her birth. She was born at 1:46 AM and lived six minutes. Madison’s preterm birth was caused by an incompetent cervix. She was born at 5:43 PM and lived for five minutes. While many doctors did their best to save both girls, our home housed a vacant crib for five years.
After losing both girls, my husband, Nick, and I took a break from trying to get pregnant until November of 2017. We decided to push through our fears and try again for the baby we wanted so badly, but from December 2017 to May 2018, we had three miscarriages, each more devastating than the next. While I wanted a baby, at that point I simply wanted God to tell us to stop trying because He would never bless us with a baby. The challenge of having buried two daughters plus new compounding infertility struggles seemed to be unbearable. But, He never told us to stop trying, so we tried to stay positive and hold on to any hope we had left.
After our third miscarriage, I knew something was wrong and requested to see an infertility specialist. My sweet doctor agreed and made the referral. Within two months, she discovered that I had polyps and a uterine infection that was causing the miscarriages and scheduled me for surgery. We were really hopeful after the surgery, and within two months we were pregnant again. As excited as we were to be pregnant, we couldn’t help but wonder if pregnancy #6 would be it or if we’d have another miscarriage or preterm birth. We held the news from most (outside of close family) until after the first trimester and my cerclage surgery scheduled to ensure my incompetent cervix did not attempt to open again. I began modified bedrest at 13 weeks, with the plan to remain until my delivery. When no problems came, we cautiously told friends and the rest of our family. Up until week 22, my worse symptoms were nausea and vomiting. We couldn’t believe we had finally made it past the 20th week! But, around week 21, I began having preterm labor symptoms that I knew all too well, and I was admitted to the hospital for an overnight stay.
Everything checked out the next morning, and they sent me home on stricter bed rest. I returned for a follow-up visit the next week, and my Maternal Fetal Medicine Specialist discovered my cervix was attempting to open yet again. She admitted me to the hospital at 22 weeks, and we prayed our baby girl would make it through the night. When she did, they decided to keep me in the hospital until delivery. It was a challenging time, but we were thankful for every day. By God’s grace, I remained pregnant for another three months on hospital bed rest, and we delivered a healthy baby girl (Brayleigh Naveh Hogan) at 35 weeks and 1 day! She stayed in the NICU (Newborn Intensive Care Unit) for only 9 days before we welcomed her home. It was a long time coming, for sure, but we are thankful for her and all God showed us along the journey.
Photo Credits Amanda Moses Photography
What emotions and fears did you experience as a result of the loss of your first two babies?
After losing Niya, I was extremely fearful but excited with every positive pregnancy test. I wanted a baby more than I could put into words, but the thought of losing another child was terrifying. When that happened again, I truly didn’t want to live anymore. I didn’t have a plan for suicide, but I had decided I wouldn’t leave my room ever again. There was no way God could use my damaged story.
What emotions and fears did you experience as a result of your struggles to get pregnant after losing your first two babies?
I hated having to deal with infertility after burying my girls. It seemed that every aspect of pregnancy was a struggle for me, and it felt unfair. I experienced depression and anxiety. I was ashamed that God seemed to have left me, yet still wanted me to serve Him in ministry. I didn’t understand how a Father could allow this. I wanted answers.
What are some insensitive things people have said and/or done after your losses, and how did they make you feel? Also, what advice would you offer on how people should respond to grieving parents?
People said insensitive things, such as:
- “God is building a testimony in you. You’re going to help so many women.” (This was spoken days after my daughter’s death.)
- “God has His angel.”
- “At least you didn’t spend more time with your child. You would have been more attached.”
- “Did you try a different doctor?”
- “Did you pray ________ over your baby?”
People also did insensitive things, such as:
- Getting offended when I said the time they wanted to come over to bring dinner was not a good time
- Trying to forcefully encourage me rather than listening to what I said I needed
- Not responding when I would talk about my daughters. They would be silent or act as though it didn’t happen.
These words and actions were incredibly hurtful because they were people’s attempts to explain away or solve a problem that couldn’t be fixed. We felt as though they didn’t understand, forcing us to feel even more alone in an already devastating season. Some practical things people CAN do to help families in this type of crisis include:
- Comforting them the way they would prefer to be comforted. Always take your cue from the person grieving, even if it’s different from what you would want or what you think they need.
- Asking them if they would like space or if a visit or something else would be helpful.
- Listening to them and allowing them to talk about their child.
- Speaking of the child by his/her name if the parent uses their child’s name
- Avoid giving books or other religious resources in hopes of helping the person to prevent a loss from happening again. This can come across as blaming them for not having enough faith, and that was not the cause of their baby’s death.
- Setting up a meal train so the family can focus on grieving (the administrator of the meal train should give strict instructions for people to NOT linger unless the family desires them to stay longer).
How did you cope with your emotions, feelings, and struggles through all of this?
I struggled throughout our journey with feelings of depression, fear, anxiety, and shame. After losing Madison, a friend gave me the book “Heart Made Whole”. Immediately after completing it, I felt the Holy Spirit prompt me to lead a pregnancy and infant loss small group at my church. Though I was reluctant due to my personal need for support, I asked my cousin if she would lead it with me, and we launched it that semester. Our group was filled within weeks with friends and family who all lost babies within days of us launching the group. God was up to something. We grieved together in the most real way, and four years later, we are still connected and encouraging each other. I truly believe this group saved me from giving up on the purpose God had called me to.
In addition, Nick and I attended counseling and continue to work through the after-effects of the trauma we experienced. I highly recommend counseling for women who have experienced pregnancy and/or infant loss, once they are ready.
Are there any triggers that take you back to that pain and place of grief?
When we had Brayleigh, I experienced anxiety in a major way. I feared that I would drop her and would have random intrusive thoughts of something happening to her. It took lots of prayer, anxiety meds, and counseling to decrease this. I’ve noticed that when I feel major stress, this level of anxiety returns, so I work hard to give myself the grace I need to feel settled.
Returning to the hospitals that my girls died at are still triggers for me. I’ve returned to both more than once and actually was on bed rest at the hospital where Madison passed. I try to pay attention to my emotions when I have a reason to return there, and if I need to push past, I do prayerfully, but if I don’t feel led to push myself, I don’t. I’ve come to peace with this being my act of self-care, regardless of who understands it.
You spoke of starting a pregnancy and infant loss small group at your church after experiencing your losses. How can the church be more proactive in supporting families experiencing infertility issues and/or pregnancy and infant loss?
The topics of infertility and loss are not talked about in a healthy way in many churches. Having balanced conversations about mental health challenges, such as depression and anxiety, coupled with spiritual principles is vital. Moms need to know that what they are feeling is normal, and God can handle the rawness of their emotions if they run to Him.
Also, teaching an accurate perspective of faith is important. Sometimes, we place pressure on ourselves to be in faith in order to see the manifestations of God. The achievement-faith mindset causes us to minimize God’s power and sovereignty by focusing too closely on the results of what our faith can bring rather than what the process of having faith takes us through. Sometimes the process is the point.
While I don’t believe God caused the death of my daughters, I also don’t believe there was anything I could have done to prevent it. Suffering happens simply because we live in a fallen world of sin which God never intended for us. But, because of Adam and Eve’s sin, we live in this imperfect world until we meet Jesus in Heaven.
BRITTANY’S INSIGHT TO WOMEN FACING SIMILAR CIRCUMSTANCES
What encouragement would you offer to a woman who has experienced infertility and/or pregnancy/infant loss?
Right after losing Madison, I didn’t want to talk to God unless He could give me answers to why He didn’t save our girls. I remember forcing myself to listen to “21 Days of Prayer” through our church online just days after Madison’s death. As they sang worship, I could feel my spirit responding to it even though I didn’t want the peace God was offering me at the moment. I cried as I experienced this worse spiritual warfare ever. God wanted me even when I didn’t want Him. This taught me that God wants to meet me in the dark places, not just to use me when I’m “put back together”.
Our healing is only found when we bring the trueness of our hearts to Jesus. I pray that whatever you are walking through today, you are able to completely give your laments to Jesus. He wants to heal your heart. Please let Him in. Grieve with God.
Also, be kind to yourself. It’s a life-long process.
Are there any organizations, resources, and/or scriptures that encouraged you and were helpful to you that you would like to recommend to our readers who may be experiencing a similar situation?
Books like “Heart Made Whole” by Christa Black Gifford and “No More Faking Fine” by Esther Fleece taught me the vitality of lamenting before God. In Esther’s book, she says, “If we minimize our suffering to a 3 on the pain scale, then we only heal at a 3 as well.” Through this quote, I realized that I had been trying to “push through” or “fake fine” so that I could be a good Christian again by showing God’s faithfulness in my life rather than the current devastation. But pushing through doesn’t show God’s faithfulness; it shows that we don’t fully trust Him. In order for Christ to be our Lord, we must trust Him with even our laments knowing that it was never His desire that we experience such hurt. And I’m so thankful that “we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are…” (Hebrews 4:15, NIV). Jesus understands and wants our laments, and I am learning to bring it to Him fully. Through this understanding, God is truly healing our hearts and allowing us to live an honest life before Him. Healing is a process that only lamenting can carry us through.
The Birmingham Botanical Gardens in Birmingham, Alabama has a Little Ones’ Memory Garden specifically for parents who have experienced pregnancy and infant loss. In addition, they have a ceremony each year that offered me a community of support during our journey.
Colossians 3:1 and John 16:33 are two scriptures that have spoken to me and encouraged me through my struggles.
“Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God.”
– Colossians 3:1 (NIV)
“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”
– John 16:33 (NIV)
How can husbands be supportive of their wives in this situation and vice versa?
It is vital that husbands and wives understand that they will grieve differently. As emotions come, it’s important for both parties to give each other the accommodations they need to heal, even if it doesn’t include them. Because the wife carried the baby, she will have a unique connection to him/her. Husbands can support wives by listening and being attentive to what they say they need regardless of how strange it may seem to them.
For the first few years, I wanted to go out to eat for our girls’ birthdays, invite family, and light a candle. My husband didn’t desire this for his grief process, and it took many conversations for him to understand why this was important to me and for me to understand the unique needs he had. Being compassionate in these conversations helped us grow closer rather than farther apart during this time.
Is there anything else you want our readers to know about this issue?
I had to learn to bring the realities of all my hurt to God without putting scripture band-aids on each wound. Intentionally acknowledging my hurt to God first by saying, “God this hurts” versus quoting a healing scripture continues to enhance my intimacy with Christ in a major way. While quoting scripture is imperative for increasing faith, true intimacy comes when we can simply crawl up in Daddy God’s arms and cry. Once He has healed our hearts, He will help to repair the foundation of our faith with scripture. But healing comes first.
CLOSING COMMENTS
This concludes my interview with Brittany. I would like to thank her for the boldness and vulnerability she used to share her pregnancy and infant loss journey with us. I love how she talked about her pain in a real way and spoke to misconceptions about our faith as we struggle. I hope you receive freedom from the wisdom and insight she shared.
If you are a mom who has experienced pregnancy and/or infant loss, will you please let us know in the comments below? We would like to honor you, your family, and your baby by having you share your story here. We value the life of your little one and acknowledge the devastation you are experiencing from his/her loss. You and your families are in our prayers.
About Brittany Hogan
Brittany Hogan is a servant of Christ, wife, and mom of angel babies, Niya and Madison, and their joyful toddler, Brayleigh. She serves her community as an author and speaker and as the Founder/Executive Director of Empowered to Conquer, a youth development nonprofit organization. Brittany’s passion is to help others discover and fulfill their God-given purposes, and she lives daily to fulfill this mission. The legacy of her daughter, Niya, whose name means “purpose”, causes Brittany to live each day intentionally while the peace she gained from her “gift from God’, Madison, helps her rely on Jesus’ strength each moment. Brittany and her husband, Nick, believe that God will use the legacy of their daughters to reach others for Him, and they are thankful for His grace in blessing them with Brayleigh, their ”ray of hope.” You can visit Brittany’s website at www.authorbnicole.com and connect with her via her social media or email below:
Instagram: @authorbnicole
Facebook: Brittany Nicole
Email: authorbnicole@gmail.com
Photo Credits: Amanda Moses Photography
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1Source: Share Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support, Inc.
(http://nationalshare.org/news/2020-pregnancy-and-infant-loss-awareness/#:~:text=According%20to%20the%20American%20College,pregnancy%2C%20it%20is%20called%20stillbirth.)
2Source: The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG)
(https://www.acog.org/patient-resources/faqs/pregnancy/early-pregnancy-loss)
3Source: The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG)
(https://www.acog.org/clinical/clinical-guidance/obstetric-care-consensus/articles/2020/03/management-of-stillbirth)
What a beautiful testimony of strength and reliance on God through the most painful of circumstances. My oldest daughter had a miscarriage after having three healthy girls. My youngest daughter had at least four miscarriages before she had a son, and then she had a couple of miscarriages after him. No one knows the pain unless they have walked through it. Thank you for your boldness to stand and help others through their pain. Thank you for sharing the gospel of Jesus Christ. May God continue to strengthen you, your family, and your ministry.
Thank you Melanie for sharing her story with us. May God continue to bless you and your family as well. Much love to you my friend!
Ann, thank you so much for your encouraging words and for sharing about your daughters’ losses. I’m sure as a mother, it has been hard watching them endure such pain. My prayers are with you and your girls. Sending love back to you!
I’m so thankful for the strength only God can provide. I truly appreciate your kind words. Thank you!
Excellent blog. Brought back so many memories. Thank you Brittany for being so vulnerable. I too lost a child. As you know or you might have forgotten that Dion was a twin and her sister was still born at birth. Brittany you are so right when you say that people say the most insensitive things when this happens. I remember one statement so clearly was “well at least you have one”; how insensitive was that? Even though I had one to live; it was just as painful because I had to still go through the burial process for her sister. Great job ladies. God is healing through your blogs.
Thank you for commenting and sharing your story, Mrs. Pam. I didn’t know that Dion had a twin sister who was stillborn. I’m sorry for your loss and for the insensitive words people said to you. I really hope this post will help people understand how powerful words are and to be more thoughtful in how they respond. I’m sending a big hug your way. I’m so glad you are being blessed by the blog.
Yes Mrs. Pam I do remember this. I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine how hard that must have been to raise Dion while grieving her sister. Thank you for showing what resilence looks like. Thank you for your sweet words and encouragement!
🤗
Thank you so much for sharing your story with us! You are such a blessing and joy to be around. I’m so happy you invited me to your life group. I’m so in love with the bond and relationship we have now. I feel so empowered every time one of us share our story. It helps us all to grow heal and bond with one another. Love you Britt Britt
Thank you 😊!! Your support means alot. I’m so thankful God gave us each other through our group. Live you girl!
Knowing Brittany and her family my heart broke. I had 2 miscarriages so I knew her pain was different and nothing I said could have made a difference. I blamed myself and wondered what I could have done differently. I wanted to just go hold Brittany and just be there. I did let her know if she needed me to be the person to turn people away I would. I could be the mean person. She probably doesn’t remember that. Great read.
Lol! I do remember you telling me that. Thank you for your support! Miscarriages are so hard. Love you!