Longing for Companionship & Love

I’d longed to be a MRS. ever since I can remember. When I was young, I would sit in my room and imagine what it would be like to be married. I even drafted my wedding plans, with fake names for my groom and bridal party. I went to college expecting to find my husband. However, things did not work out according to my plans, and as time went on, I became disappointed with God. Although I accepted Jesus into my heart as a child, I had made a conscious decision in college to pursue a love relationship with Him and to commit myself to serving Him with my life. But after watching several of my friends and co-workers get married, I began to feel as if God was not being fair. I felt that if He did not want to reward me for my devotion, then why should I even be committed to Him?

So, I began to let my heart-guard down (Proverbs 4:23). In my mind and in my heart, all I wanted was companionship and love, and if God didn’t want to give that to me, then I was willing to go about it my way by dating anyone who came along without making sure it was in God’s will. But, God in His grace didn’t let my heart drift too far. He kept me during that period of searching on my own. Eventually, “Mr. Right” came into my life, and I knew deep down in my heart that he was the one, but I had not taken the time to become “Mrs. Right”. There were still open wounds in my heart from the disappointment I held towards God in taking so long to send my mate, and other wounds that I did not realize were there until years later.

See, in my heart, the desire for a mate had become so strong that I was willing to abandon God’s way in order to get what I wanted. Even though I THOUGHT I had completely turned my heart back to Him, I still looked to my husband to fulfill desires in my heart that were not meant for him to fill. All that time, I had been searching for someone to complete me, to make me feel whole, to validate my need for love. I was in such pursuit of this “need” that I ended up pregnant before we were married. Even after I got married, I spent SO MUCH time trying to MAKE my husband fit into this man I had imagined when I was a little girl that it almost drove us apart. I was a wreck inside because I had made the desire to be fulfilled and complete by a man into an idol.

Sister, I have been married for 10 years, but it wasn’t until earlier THIS year (2020) that I realized just how much the sin of idolatry had taken root in my heart. Of course, I didn’t want to admit it as such. I mean, when we think of idols, we think of the golden statues the people in the Bible used to make, right?! Well, yes, those were idols, but an idol is really anything that we draw our strength from or give our strength to other than God. It’s those things we’re willing to go after or hold on to that draw us towards pleasing ourselves and/or others instead of pleasing God. It could be anything…material possessions, relationships, appearances, desires…ANYTHING we place above God.

I am extremely grateful for God’s mercy and grace, and I’m so, so grateful for Jesus who made it all possible. He could’ve allowed my story to take a turn for the worst, but He kept me despite my sin and shortcomings. I’m grateful that He allowed me to ask His forgiveness and to repent of the idolatry in my heart. 1 John 1:9 (CSB) says, “IF WE CONFESS OUR SINS, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” That’s the hard part. We don’t like to admit when we’re wrong, but let me tell you, confessing brings freedom and healing. His grace won’t last always, and the thing is, we don’t know when time will be up. So, I encourage you today, whatever idolatry or other sins you are knowingly harboring in your heart, PLEASE confess (admit) them and repent (turn away) from them so that you can experience true freedom and TRUE SATISFACTION in God alone. NOTHING OR NO ONE ELSE can fill that void in your heart. It was only made for God, so let Him fill it.

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Let’s Get Practical: Reflect & Grow

1. As women, we like to be in control. What area(s) of your life are you trying to control the outcome of right now? This is a good indication of where idols may be present in your heart. Pray and ask God to open your eyes to the truth, and then confess and repent as He shows you. It’s hard and it’s heavy, but it’s necessary work in order to experience the abundant life Christ came to give.
   
2. What are verses you can read, meditate on, and apply when you are in need of God’s forgiveness?

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