Kirstyn’s Story of Overcoming Perfectionism in Motherhood

As a mom, do you struggle with the fear of failing or messing up your child in some way? Do you often try to conform to expectations established by society, your family, or even yourself? Do you carry the burden of feeling like you always have to get it right?

If you answered “yes” to any one of these questions, know that you are not alone. There are many of us who struggle with the desire to be perfect moms. But I’m so glad that we don’t have to walk this journey alone.

I recently interviewed my friend, Kirstyn Mayden, about her journey to overcoming perfectionism in motherhood. Her story is so relatable, and I believe it will inspire you to exchange your perfectionist tendencies for God’s grace and mercy as you continue your motherhood journey.

My interview questions are shown in bold, and Kirstyn’s responses are shown in italics. You can read more about Kirstyn and find ways to connect in her bio at the end of this interview.

KIRSTYN’S STORY OF PERFECTIONISM IN MOTHERHOOD

What were your expectations going into motherhood, and how did those expectations play out after your daughter was born?

Going into motherhood, I knew it was going to be challenging, but I welcomed the challenge. After ten years of marriage, God blessed my husband and I with the gift of our daughter, which we were so excited to receive. I also received loving wisdom from many family members and friends about what to expect, how to respond, and how to support my child. I received this wisdom and soaked it all up with a smile and with hopeful anticipation. The most consistent advice I received was to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” or “get your rest now.” While I had some expectations, I knew that the best-made plans would have to change.

Once my daughter was born, I quickly realized that each new day brought its own set of adventures and unexpected challenges. I had to be willing to adjust and continually rely on God’s grace, mercy and strength to get through each day. There are always things that will happen that are out of our control, but that doesn’t mean that we didn’t give our best. As a mother, it is essential that as I am pouring into my daughter, that I continue to pour into and take care of myself as well.

Even though you had expectations of challenges, what fears led to your perfectionist tendencies as a mother?

As a new mom, one of my biggest fears was that I would not have any more time to accomplish my personal goals and dreams. After becoming a mom, other important things would have to be put on hold. I also was fearful of failing and making mistakes. I believed that if I didn’t do everything perfect, it would be a reflection of me as a mother and a person. I wanted to get everything right and provide my daughter with an abundance of resources to give her a very strong foundation.  

I was only able to nurse for a few months and I felt defeated, as though I was letting my daughter down. I wanted to give her the absolute best, and having to adjust to another method initially was a challenge. I put a lot of pressure on myself to “succeed.” Initially, I believe I was treating motherhood more as a performance I had to get right, rather than focusing on cultivating a loving relationship with my daughter.

Describe some of the emotions you experienced as perfectionism took root in your mothering, and how have you processed them?

When I was trying to do everything perfect, I would often become frustrated, exhausted, weary, and feel inadequate. I didn’t want to make any mistakes, because I felt like it would be a direct reflection on me as a person and mother. As I look back, I realize that a big reason why I felt frustrated is because I wasn’t making room for God to guide me. I was trying to figure EVERYTHING out within my own strength, and not fully depending on God for His infinite wisdom. God loves us and there is nothing that we can do that can change that.

Moving forward, there are definitely days where I want to keep my plans so tight, but God is teaching me to consult Him on every aspect of being a mother. When I surrender each day and moment of motherhood over to God, He will provide all that I need. Praise God! 

God continues to remind me daily to enjoy each day, celebrate and give thanks for what is going well, and relax!

SURRENDERING TO OVERCOME PERFECTIONISM

At what point did you realize your expectations were unrealistic? What has it looked like for you to surrender your expectations to the Lord?

As my daughter was growing, I realized that I was wanting to ensure that she was “on track” and not missing any of the projected developmental milestones. I had her on a rigorous schedule of tummy time, going to the library, and had her starting to learn flashcards at eighteen months. (LOL) I researched multiple learning activities and was obsessed about making sure we had some time to do it. I felt that if she didn’t master a milestone by a certain time, it was a reflection of me as a parent.

As I’m writing this, I’m laughing now because I put way too much pressure on her to produce before she could barely talk. While she enjoyed and still enjoys these activities, I realized that I had to stop and adjust my mindset. Instead of obsessing over if she knew her ABCs by a certain age, it was more important to just enjoy spending quality time with her watching her smile, laugh, and develop at her own pace. While reaching educational milestones is important, I don’t have to lose sight of what is greater. Loving and growing our relationship together. 

God continues to remind me to enjoy the journey as a mother. With each new day, God is maturing, re-directing and strengthening me.

What are some practical ways you have learned to overcome perfectionism in motherhood?

Some practical ways that I have learned to overcome perfectionism are to:

• Continue to pray to God about everything.
• Keep a gratitude journal, which helps me to celebrate when I want to complain.
• Scheduling self-care is so important and playing and spending quality time with my daughter.
• Asking my family and support system for help has been a huge benefit in helping me to overcome perfectionism, because it reminds me that I am not alone and to utilize the community and other resources that God has provided.

Speaking of community, how has community and help from others benefited you on your journey of overcoming?

Community has been a huge part of my motherhood journey, and I’m so grateful! By talking to other moms and sharing similar joys and challenges, it reminds me that I am not alone. I’ve also gained amazing resource suggestions and tips that have helped me. I believe it’s so important that we continue to share our motherhood stories with each other for encouragement, connection, and strength.

What has been the biggest challenge in overcoming perfectionism, and how do you work through the challenge when it presents itself?

My biggest challenge in overcoming perfectionism is letting go of wanting to control everything. I have really had to pray and ask God to help me to enjoy the motherhood process, as opposed to making sure I’ve checked off all the boxes to reach particular milestones. When I feel my perfectionist tendencies rising up, I try to look at the bigger picture and focus on one thing and one day at a time. The beauty of being able to raise children is to watch them grow and develop into the unique people that God has called them to be with diverse personalities and gifts. While we are charged as mothers to raise them and instill Godly values, ultimately, they will do things differently and have to find their own way. The good news is that our earthly children are ultimately God’s children. As we draw closer to God and trust Him more, our need to be perfect decreases.

LESSONS LEARNED DURING THE JOURNEY

I know that overcoming is a life-long journey. How has your life and mothering changed so far since learning to let go of perfectionism?

I’ve learned to love and celebrate my daughter for who she is, as opposed to who I want her to be. She is three now and growing each day. I’ve also let go of the mindset that everything has to be perfect at all times. The most important aspect of being a mother is developing a healthy, loving relationship with my daughter, and not a sprint to reach certain milestones. That’s not realistic and that will leave me continually frustrated. If the clothes aren’t folded as soon as they come out of the dryer, that’s okay. LOL. When life happens and my day may not go as planned, I don’t beat myself up as much, and thank God for another opportunity to start again. Motherhood is a precious gift of God, and I am learning to surrender all of my daily emotions over to God, and enjoy it. 

What has motherhood taught you about yourself and about the Lord?

Motherhood has taught and reminded me that I need the Lord’s guidance every minute of each day. When I’m feeling frustrated, needing direction, or God’s grace, I’m so grateful that God is present. During times when I feel overwhelmed, God has a way of calming my emotions down, and reminding me that “it” will be okay. God is continually faithful and is with us during every season of life and motherhood. 

What encouragement would you offer to other moms who are overwhelmed with the realities of motherhood? Are there any resources or scriptures you would recommend?

I would encourage other moms to find community and celebrate what is going well. Be honest with God about the different feelings you may be experiencing and receive God’s grace more.

Is there anything else you want our readers to know?

I would encourage all those who are reading to enjoy the gift of motherhood. With each new season, there will be both joys and challenges. Celebrate and capture the amazing memories. Continue to pray to God, seek His guidance, and don’t forget to breathe! God has you!

CLOSING COMMENTS

This concludes my interview with Kirstyn. I would like to thank her for her authenticity as she shared her journey of overcoming perfectionism in motherhood. I hope you have been encouraged to entrust your emotions and imperfections to Jesus.

Kirstyn’s encouragement does not stop here! I strongly encourage you to purchase her devotional journal and follow her blog. You can find the link to purchase her book, along with ways to connect with her, in her bio below. I know first-hand that her ministry will provide relevant, inspirational, and practical encouragement for your journey.

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